A Beautiful Life
by Kathryn Brennan
Summary: The shooting of Kate Beckett goes different then what we were shown.  Slightly AU.
1. Chapter 1

It had been one month, twelve days, and five hours since he last saw Kate. One month, twelve days, and five hours since he last felt whole. Instead of trying to be a productive citizen, he sat inside most of the time he forced himself awake. The month had passed so slow, like he was trying to run through molasses.

It had been one month, twelve days, and five hours since Kate had died.

He still had nightmares about it. Alexis would wake him up because he would yell himself hoarse in his sleep. He guilt tripped himself and wondered if he would have noticed the glint of the gun behind that damned tombstone a second earlier, a millisecond even, he would not have the feeling of complete and total despair that buried deep into his chest. Martha and Alexis had been walking on eggshells, both understanding how devastating this had been for Rick. It was devastating for everyone.

Both Ryan and Esposito tried to work for a few days after, but then put in for all of their vacation time. The Castle's hadn't talked to either of them since her funeral. They were all dealing with it in their own way, none of them doing it well.

Lanie had tried to talk to Castle, but he refused. He couldn't even remember what sun felt like on his skin.

No one could see her body at the hospital. The doctors said when they cracked her ribs open to fix the damage done by the bullet, they couldn't stop the blood from pouring out. She bled out on that godforsaken metal table and Castle wasn't there to help her.

The doctor's had to restrain Rick from running into the room to see Kate, but the look that was etched into the features of her father's face made him freeze. He had lost Kate, but her father had lost everyone important to him.

Kate's funeral was held a few days after. Everyone was still in a daze for what happened. Rick had refused to believe the truth until he saw her casket. He was asked to speak and tried to find the right words to describe the woman who had changed his life.

"To say that I am a changed man is an understatement. Kate Beckett saved me from myself and for that, I will be forever grateful. Anyone who saw Kate work knew the passion she held in her heart. She was reserved from sharing her feelings, but when a smile broke through her face, the world stopped turning for just a moment. Her laugh could cure anything. And I am sad so many people missed actually knowing her.

"To most, she will always be my Nikki Heat. Professional bad-ass. To me, she will always and forever be the woman I loved. And I don't know if she ever heard me. I regret so much about our relationship. The fact that I wasn't able to hold her when she got sad, get into little fights with her about stupid things, and kiss her good morning kills me inside.

"I know she's watching over us and trying to tell me to stop being a drama queen. But I loved her like I will love no other woman.

"Kate Beckett, it was a pleasure knowing you."

By the time Esposito and Ryan had returned to work, it had been one month, twenty-five days, and fourteen hours. And it hurt then as much as it did when they had first learned of the news. The new captain came in hard. Gates wanted to get another detective in with them, but both refused. No one would understand how they felt. But she was adamant. Valerie Quinn started to lead them. She transferred in from Washington, D.C., so they boys had to aquant her to life in New York. They were polite and they tried to be warm, really they did, but she wasn't Beckett. She had dirty blonde hair that was in a pixie cut, tall even without heels, and shared everything. She was the opposite of everything Kate was.

And Valerie knew it. She didn't press her new partners but she had read enough about the incident online and had picked up Richard Castle's books to understand how much that woman had meant to the group of friends. She knew her placement was only temporary at least.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay. So because I am a little off my rocker, I have an AU for my AU. I'm pretty sure this is how wormholes are started.

Anyway, I know those of you who read this had a completely different idea of where this was going, but SURPRISE! :)

Bumped the rating for le bad words...

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><p>By the time the second month anniversary of Kate's death had barreled into Castle's life, almost nothing had changed. He stopped responding to emails, whether it is from Gina or the boys at the 12th, and had locked himself into his study with too many bottles of Jack Daniels.<p>

Alexis started to get worried. There had already been a horrible nagging thought at the back of her head about what her father was willing to do to end the pain he was in. She knew he would never want to purposely hurt her or himself, but if he kept up living the lifestyle that had gripped him he would end up killing himself. She wanted him to get out of the city, get out of the constant reminder of what he had lost.

She booked him a hotel in Atlantic City with his credit card. There was no threat of him noticing the transaction beforehand, Martha and she had been paying the bills for the last two months. She held off telling her father about her little plan until the day before he was suppose to be at the hotel.

He was angry. He didn't want to leave the loft like usual. Alexis called the 12th to get help, which was given to her willingly. Castle tried to get the reservation canceled, but Alexis wouldn't let him.

"Dad, you need to get out. I can't do this anymore. Either you get out, or I move out. I'm eighteen now, I can legally do this. I didn't want it to come to this, but it seems like I have too. Please don't risk losing everyone in your life."

Rick stared open mouthed at his daughter. She was blackmailing him. Before Kate's death, he would have been proud. Now he was just annoyed. He couldn't risk losing her too, she was one of the only person keeping him alive and as much as he hated to admit it, he was in a needy place.

He agreed to go, and packed quickly. He stopped drinking soon after and tried to sleep. He slept fitfully, dreaming of blood seeping through his fingers and a replay of the gunshot over and over again.

That morning, he looked in the mirror for the first time in weeks. There was a hefty beard growing all over his face, and he shaved it off within five minutes. Besides the bags under his eyes, he looked like he did before. Appearances can be deceiving.

He took the Ferrari and drove quickly down to the city. He had plenty of money to drowned out his sorrows in booze and gambling. He knew that's not what Alexis exactly had in mind, but she couldn't be too picky right now.

The young woman at the front desk flirted with him while he was checking in. She was exactly what he usually went for; blonde, buxom, and beautiful. But it was not what he went now. He rejected her advances and asked for his suitcase to be brought up to the room so he could start his weekend. He stared out across the floor, thinking about what exactly he wanted to do. High stakes poker sounded absolutely amazing. He could either blow or gain money he really didn't need which was exactly what he had been planning all along. His long strides got him across the floor quickly, dodging families, drunks, and the staff.

He did not know how long he sat playing at one table. He had spent more than he had earned, but he didn't think about it. He had refused a drink the first few times the woman came around, but he was not craving one. Something strong that burned as it slid down his throat. He didn't look up when a different woman came around. He could feel her presence as she walked around the table behind him. By the time she was at his table, he had finally looked up from his cards.

His heart fell out of his chest. Either he was seeing a ghost, or Kate Beckett was standing in front of him. Her hair was died black and hung in curls down her back. By the time her eyes had reached his, castle had thrown his cards down and reached toward her. Her eyes grew wide as she muttered "shit" under her breath.

"Kate?" His voice was quite and shaky, filled with raw emotion. He brought a hand to touch her arm to make sure he wasn't seeing her.

"Stop. I can't do this now. I'm off in twenty minutes I'll meet you in your room." She walked quickly away, not glancing over her shoulder to look at him.

"What. The. Fuck." Castle thought to himself. He was confused, sad, upset, and angry all at the same time. Was this actually happening? Or was he just passed out in his room and dreaming?

He went back over to the table, apologized, folded, and took the little pile of chips that he still had left. He tried to find Kate in the sea of people, but couldn't. Why was she working here? Why? Just why?

He sat in his suite on the large king bed. The cream colored walls that were suppose to be soothing were angering him. All the sadness he had felt for the past two months were turning to rage. Complete and total rage filled him until he thought he was going to burst. He wanted to strangle something. He needed to take out his anger on someone and there was only one person in the entire world that deserved it.

How the hell could Kate do this to him? She was standing in front of him twenty minutes ago, walking away after he though she was dead. Dead. She had to be the most selfish person he knew.

A small knock at the door sounded and he stopped the pacing he had begun a moment ago. He walked to it and threw the wood open to see Kate standing there, curled hair now up in a pony tail high on her head but still in the red dress uniform.

"Hey."

He was silent. The rage in his eyes scared Kate like nothing else.

"I…can I come in?"

"Fine."

She walked slowly into the suite, and spotting a chair, sat.

"What the hell Kate? What the fucking hell? I thought you were dead! Do you know what that did to me! I loved you Kate and I never got to truly tell you! This is the first time I've been out of the house since your funeral and you are fucking here?" He was yelling at the top of his lungs, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as Kate sat rigidly. She knew they would be angry at her when they figured everything out. She just never thought that day would come so early.

"Castle. Rick. Please. Let me explain!"

She tried to get his attention while he was till yelling at her. Instead of stopping, Castle whipped around and punched the wall nearest to Kate. She jumped and stared in horror at the large gaping hole.

"What gives you the right to have time to explain? I loved you Kate and you pretended to be dead for two months. TWO MONTHS. I never thought I could get over you Kate. Never."

He sat back on the bed and rubbed his hand across his face, wincing from the pain shooting up his entire hand. He had probably busted a few knuckles.

"I didn't want to! I heard what you said when I got shot Castle! I know how you felt! Did you not think how much it ate me inside to pretend I was dead? I had no choice Castle. None."

He blinked in surprise. What did she just say?

"Castle, the FBI came in right during surgery and made a cover-up. I am here helping them, strongly against my will, to catch the man who shot me. It was Agent Shaw's idea, not mine. She asked for resources and put in time off and her own money to help me. I can't give you details Castle, even though I know it's what you are dying for. I was going to come back next week and deal with the blow back. I'm so close, Rick, so close to finally closing this and moving on with my life. Do you really think I'm cold enough to want to run away from the only people I truly care about?"

Castle sat on his bed, stunned. It took him a moment to get his thoughts clear.

"I don't know Kate. I don't know anything anymore. Right now, I think you are completely capable of it."

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><p>Did I surprise you enough? :D<p>

R&R lovelies!

p.s. I might post the AUAU when I finish my other story, Interlude. It's getting close to a wrap up (like 5 more chapters, which I guess isn't actually close at all so nevermind).


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the delay! I started a new job that has me working all the time and I have a ton of homework on top of it!

This chapter is not for the young. You can skip it without missing too much of the story if it bothers you!

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><p>Kate opened her mouth then closed it again. She forced the tears back, she knew it would be hard but it shouldn't be this hard.<p>

"Castle, please believe me. I knew this would be the hardest thing you would have to go through. Not seeing or talking to you would be the most difficult thing since my mother's death. But I did this because I knew I couldn't live the life I wanted to live if that shooter wasn't found. You should know that better than anyone."

She stood up from the large chair and hesitantly moved to sit near Castle on the bed. Her hair fell in front of her face so she lifted her head. She made eye contact with him before speaking again.

"You know how much I care about you right? I did this for the people in my life. They deserve to not have to worry if their friend is going to get shot at any moment again."

They sat on the bed for a moment, just breathing each other in. Rick slowly moved his hand to touch her arm. He looked like he was about to break down and cry. Kate wound her fingers through his and gave a small smile. She had forgotten how his hands felt. A sudden movement from Castle startled Kate. She had ended up being pulled into an awkward hug on the bed by Castle. Ragged breathing was loud in her ear, but she didn't mind. He was showing affection towards her and it was amazing after being gone from it for so long.

"Kate…I thought I lost you. You were dead and I was still here. It wasn't fair, nothing was fair. Seeing you standing in front of me downstairs was the scariest thing that had happened since your shooting. I thought I was going crazy. The way I've been acting there was a serious possibility."

His voice was small in her ear. The tone reminded Kate of a small lost child and it broke her heart. She pulled back to look into his face. Brushing her hand across his check, she could feel the damp trails left by the tears he had been crying into her shoulder. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against his.

"I am so sorry Rick. I didn't realize how hard you would take this, how hard anyone would take this. I couldn't tell anyone no matter how much I wanted too. I've missed you so much."

Rick looked at her face and her brow that was furrowed in sadness. Bringing his hand up to the back of her neck, he brought her lips to his. It was a gentle and slow kiss, with Rick trying to memorize every movement and feeling.

He lost control soon after. The sudden change from romantic and filled with loneliness to passion and rage startled Kate. She responded quickly and before either of them knew it, Rick was lying on top of her as he kissed his way down her neck. He spent some time there, nibbling on her ear and sucking on her pulse points which turned Kate into a whimpering mess. The dress Kate had on was strapless which allowed Castle to move across her shoulder blades with ease. His hands had been running slowly up and down her sides, not close enough to either area she was desperate for him to touch.

Kate tried to unzip her dress by arching upward into Castle's mouth more and reaching behind her, but he stopped her with a rough grip. The predatory look in his eyes was both frightening and terribly arousing for Kate. She had done things like this before, wild, crazy sex, but this was different somehow.

Releasing her from his grip, Castle skipped over the area she had been wanting him to get to, instead pulling his shirt over his head as he sat in between her legs nearly off the bed. Her face was flushed and her breathing was rapid and out of control which just motivated him more. He lifted up the dress partially to expose her legs and grinned when he saw the black lace underwear she had on. Leave it to Kate to want to be authentic in every way.

He placed small kisses on both of her legs, working upward and skipping her center. Kate moaned his name which made him pull back to kneel on the ground. Rubbing his nose along her legs, he yanked her closer to the edge and spread her legs wider. His grip was tight and would probably leave bruises, but Kate didn't care. She was to into the moment to notice or feel anything other than Rick pulling off her underwear and placing a kiss into her core.

Her loud moan sent Castle into a frenzy. He licked and sucked at her skin, delving his tongue into her folds. Removing one hand from her legs he plunged two fingers into her while nipping at her clit. By the way her breathing had increased and her words had become nonsense, Castle knew she was close.

A moment later, she shattered into his mouth screaming his name. It was his turn to give a small noise of happiness as he lapped up her juices. He sat back with a satisfied smirk on his face as he came down from her high. But before she had completely recovered, Rick had completely undressed, taken a condom from his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans, and grabbed her hips again.

Kate looked into his eyes questioningly before he flipped her over and moved onto the bed behind her. He leaned over her body and pressed it flushed to hers while he whispered into her ear.

"Tonight, you're mine."

The low voice Castle had made Kate shiver and not notice that he had sat back up. He entered her quickly, not giving her time to completely adjust to his size before pulling back out. There was no gentleness in his actions. Tonight was all about raw emotions. He pounded into her rapidly and moved one hand to grip her breast over the fabric of her dress. Using the other to unzip a few inches of the metal zipper in the back, he was able to completely hold her breast in his hand, rolling her nipple tightly in his fingers.

Kate had never been a quite lover. But tonight was taking her to a new level. She was moaning every time Castle moved in her and became even louder as he intensified the pressure of his hand. She knew she couldn't last much longer at this rate.

"Castle…I can't last…"

She barely got the words out before he released her breast and moved his hand to pinch her clit just the same as with her breast. She came apart within a moment. Castle rode her orgasm, still moving inside her, but came a few seconds after she had begun to finish.

They both lay there, panting. Castle mumbled something about taking care of the condom and a shower and told Kate to sleep. She watched him walk into the bathroom and heard the water begin to run a moment later. The dress was digging into her spine so she removed it before sliding under the soft covers of the bed.

Within a moment she had fallen asleep, her entire body exhausted from their actions. Castle appeared from the bathroom ten minutes later and stared at Kate's peaceful sleeping form.

Then he began to pack his things.

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><p>So what did you think? It's my first time posting something with more than a slight hint of sex, so there's still some kinks I need to work out.<p>

R&R loves!


	4. Chapter 4

**There is no excuse I have besides a ridiculous amount of family issues I've had in the last few months. This story ran away and hid in some deep, dark corner of my brain and refused to be found until a few days ago. I needed to rewrite the entire future of this story, and now I know I will be able to update more regularly. I hope you can forgive me for ignoring this story, but please review to tell me if you like the way this story is headed!**

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><p>The first thing Kate noticed when she woke is that the bed was cold. Not just got up an hour ago cold. Like never actually slept in cold. When that thought broke through the cloud in her brain, she sat up suddenly. Where was Castle?<p>

She saw no bag near the couch anymore, no clothes thrown around the room besides hers. Oh God. No, this couldn't be happening. Why did he leave?

She scrambled out of bed and searched every inch of the room to make sure her fears were right. Quickly sliding on her dress, she searched the pockets for her phone.

"Agent Shaw please." Kate waited a pause until she was transferred.

"Beckett why such an early call? Find anything useful last night?"

Kate took a deep breath before speaking. "I've been compromised. Castle found me." She left out how compromised she got last night.

"Kate. How did this happen? Shit, we need to restructure this entire operation! Who blew your cover?"

"God I don't know how he found me, I swear. I didn't make any contact with him I just don't know what to do anymore."

Her voice had risen higher and she was choking back tears. The floor she was walking on was cold and her feet made soft padding noises as she paced the length of the room.

"Detective Beckett! Get yourself together! Who knew you?"

"Rick…Castle. Castle found me. I'm so sorry I can't do this anymore. No type of closure would be worth more pain that I caused my friends. Please, let me go I don't want to work at this anymore."

"Kate, I know I forced your hand into this situation. But a cop killer is a cop killer. Please make sure of what you are saying before I make this decision. If we stop this now, you will almost certainly never find your shoot or who killed your mother. Do you want that? I don't want to sound horrible, but will you able to live with yourself after this? I know the reason you agreed to this. I know you more than you think, Kate.

"Will you be able to have the life you want knowing he's still out there? I want to help you here, Kate, that's why we did this. I've kept tabs on you ever since I left our case. You want to know why? Because I could tell how much you wanted what I had. I know you tried to bury feelings deep down inside but you wanted to be able to come home to a family and getting shot by a sniper can put a metaphorical bullet right in the heart of that. You can't distance yourself anymore Kate. You won't be able to crawl back out of that.

"I risked my job for this. The need I have to put this last remaining man from a series of murders that span decades is great, but it doesn't even touch what you must feel. If you really cannot stay anymore, then go. We can restart the operation from the beginning and change stuff around. But you will not be kept in the loop. You will not know any new information, leads, or actions. Hell I don't even know if I'll be able to tell you exactly why he did it any longer. But if you need to go, go. We can't force you to stay any longer than you want."

Kate was stunned. She had stopped pacing in the middle of Shaw's speech to her and it struck a chord inside of her. Would she be able to truly walk away from this? The need to find this person and make him suffer had always been a driving force for Kate, but could she be the woman she was before any longer? There was no way for that to happen, and she wasn't sure if that's even what she wanted anymore.

She wanted Rick. But why would Rick want her? She's damaged goods now, more than ever. She hid from him for selfish reasons that she could never make up for.

"I just…I can't be here anymore. I've done so much damage already I can't bear to do any more. He didn't deserve this; none of them did. There was so much selfishness in my actions that I wouldn't forgive myself if the roles were reversed. If I wait much longer I will never be able to repair the damage."

Shaw gave a deep sigh and Kate could hear a chair squeak in protest on the other line.

"I respect that Kate. You saw that before anyone had to tell you to look in the other direction. But you know, there's no going back to the NYPD until this killer is caught or you will be even more in the headlights. People from here, bad people, will recognize you the second the papers get a hold of Nikki Heat rising from the grave. WE can't have the operation being partially blown like that. Will you be willing to wait it out? Months may go by Kate. And you can't go back to your apartment either. There's a lot of change that you need to make happen. Just make sure you don't end up in the newspapers."

Kate had not even thought about how much trouble she could be in if her name got out. Shit.

"I'll figure something out. I just need to get my life back together before it's too late."

Shaw promised that she would send over the paperwork required to get her out of the mission and where all of her belongings were stored in the city.

Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan might be easier to deal with. Rick would be on a whole new level. She would have to step up her game.

For some reason, the perfect idea already came to mind.

XxXxX

It took Kate a few days to find a new apartment in SOHO, almost as good as the last one she had. It was much smaller than her old ones, mainly because she was jobless at the moment. There was money still coming from her FBI and NYPD job, but since she couldn't work at either organization until the shooter operation was finished, every single dollar counted. She couldn't turn to her father or Rick for money right now. Not that Rick would even talk to her.

And that was the problem she had. It was more important than her apartment, her clothes, and money. Getting Rick to talk to her and trust her again was the top priority. Kate had already written out the letter to go with the gift she had picked up on the way to the new place.

The beating in her heart as she got closer to Rick's building and her palms started to sweat. There was no going back after this. This was one way she could win Rick back, and this was the only choice.

She nodded curly at the doorman who let her into the building and she quickly made her way into the elevator. The moment the doors dinged open her stomach dropped. The hallway to Rick's door seemed to be out of a dream; getting longer and longer the further she walked. When she reached the door, the bag in her hand was placed on the ground. The metallic color stood out harshly against the brown of the wooden door. Kate gave a loud series of knocks before walking fast to the elevator door. Almost the second Rick's door opened the elevator doors sounded their arrival. Kate pressed the lobby button and looked at the carpeted floor in the elevator.

xXxXxX

Castle was trying to write in his office when the knocking startled him out of the daydream he was having. He quickly walked to the door, bare feet padding on the floor. The bag on the floor caught his attention first and his head snapped up towards the elevator down the hall. A flash of dark curls was the only thing he could register before the doors finished closing. Eyeing the bag carefully, Rick took in into the kitchen. A letter was resting at the top of a nicely wrapped small square. His name was scrawled in cursive on the white envelope and his curiosity peaked.

A small letter was folded inside the envelope. He quickly unfolded and nearly dropped the paper into the bag when he realized who it was from.

"Rick-

I know you would never talk to me, so I figured this would be the only way I could reach you. I am so sorry. I know these are just words, easy to say and easy to ignore. So I'm not just using words with you. I am using little and grand gestures. As many as I can think of and manage until you forgive me. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't care.

I need you in my life, Rick. I really do.

In this package you will find breath mints. The first case we had you nearly got shot and gave me a heart attack. When I asked you if you were alright and you told me that our killer needed a breath mint. You use humor to distract from fear, but now you have some for your future gun-touting suspect next time you pull a stunt on the job.

Always,

Kate"


	5. Chapter 5

**Oh look, two updates in two days (technically for me at least). Please, please, PLEASE review! I want to know if you are enjoying the direction this is going!**

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><p>Castle spent a few moments staring between the handwritten letter and the small box of mints. He couldn't believe that she actually remembered the words he said on their first case together. What she was doing was…sweet. But he just couldn't. He wouldn't.<p>

There was too much to lose anymore. The place he went for months after her death was not a path Rick wanted to head down again. His daughter was counting on him and that was more important than anything to him. Even if that meant ignoring the woman he used to love.

The package was hidden in his office so no one else could find it. There was nothing to think about right now, but somehow his mind continued to wander to the small package in his drawer. It made him so agitated to not get it out of his mind.

Alexis got home from school a few hours later, hustling around the kitchen to get snacks before going up to her room. She had noticed the slight difference in her father since he had been home from his forced vacation. It was a different kind of sadness than what she had seen before. A sadness that crept into his soul was there before. Now he was more of a shell. Not sad, not happy, not anything.

She couldn't decide what was worse.

When she appeared downstairs a few hours later, her father was in the same position. No food was on the fridge, there rarely was anymore, so Alexis picked up the phone and called out for pizza. It took a knock at the door to startle Rick out of the depths of his mind. A brief look of disappointment crossed his features before his face was once again a blank slate.

They ate in relative silence in the kitchen. Rick asked about school and Alexis asked about writing. It was how their relationship had been for longer than either of them had really wanted, but neither had the power to really change it. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but it wasn't.

Alexis knew something had happened but hadn't pushed. Now that something could almost be felt when she stood near her father and she had to know.

"Dad…don't take this the wrong way but what happened? What happened while you were gone?"

"Nothing. Everything is fine Lex."

"Bullshit."

Rick looked up in surprise. "Alexis! Don't speak like that!"

"I'll speak like that until I get my dad back. I need you just as much as Beckett did but I am still here and she isn't. Maybe you should think about that when you just stare at your computer."

She left the room and went upstairs in a huff and Rick continued to sit at the table. He wished that he could tell her about what happened. But as much as he hated Kate right now, there was no way that telling people wouldn't hurt her somehow. And he wouldn't risk her getting hurt or actually dying just because he was angry at her.

But Rick wouldn't lie that the thought had crossed his mind.

xXxXxXxX

It took Kate a few hours to figure out what her next move should be. She spent most of that time on her rickety couch staring at the pile of Castle's books. When the flash of conversation from their first, officially legal, case crossed her mind, she smiled at the memory. It was a cross of happiness and sadness, with a faint hint of love.

She stopped at a store on the way to Castle's apartment to pick up what she had in mind. The walk to his home was not far from where she had her little apartment, so she continued along the sidewalk. The wind had begun to cool, more so than usual for a September evening. Kate's hair whipped around her face, temporarily blocking her view. By the time she had pulled the strands up into some semblance of a ponytail, Castle's apartment rose from the street in front of her.

The drop off was quick and the elevator never left the floor it had traveled up to with Kate on I, so she was able to avoid detection once again. Worry knotted in her brain as she hoped that he remembered the brief but funny conversations they had on cases together. If not, Castle could remember.

xXxXxXxX

Rick had thought Kate would have come near the same time the next day, if she came at all. So when the door sounded into the evening, he wasn't expecting the small colorfully wrapped square placed on top of another envelope sitting in the hallway.

His name was written across the envelope in a similar fashion to yesterday's note and he immediately walked into his study. Alexis had popped down the stairs from her room to see who it was and Castle quickly waved a hand over his shoulder and told her not to worry.

As if that would stop her.

The letter was the first to be opened once Rick sat in his office chair, reclining slightly. The handwriting was a shorter this time, but just as beautiful.

"Rick-

Maybe sometime we can play strip poker and it will be a mystery to us both.

Always,

Kate"

Castle's brows knitted together and he reached for the next package. Inside were a deck of cards with illustrations from books in the New York Public Library. A smile tugged on his lips, but he forced them down again.

He placed the gift next to the first and turned back to his laptop.


	6. Chapter 6

Okay. You know how I promised updates more regularly? Yeah, sorry about that. But I have an actual reason this time! I had to send my laptop in for cleaning and it was gone one week then I went on a weekend trip. So...sorry? I really do promise better updates!

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><p>Over the next few days gifts arrived sporadically, sometimes early in the morning and usually in the evening. Rick knew Kate wouldn't be working, not yet anyway, so there was no way to figure out the time zones she would likely arrive. Some of the gifts were crafted by her, which was not something Rick would put with his former partner. Somewhere along the line, Kate had learned crafting skills that were quite good. Her mother must have taught her things when she was little.<p>

The large canvas that was leaning against his door startled him when he opened it and the picture hit him in the legs. It was made from paint chips, one corner was a dark blue and it faded in the opposite corner to a light blue. Purples were mixed within, making the white of the lettering stand out. She had lettered on the phrase "The wind gathered up her hair". The sound of her laughter could almost be heard when Rick looked at the piece, which made him both happy and sad.

He tried to stay strong from the gifts that almost seemed to get more thoughtful as time went on. But his heart had begun to soften and somehow that made him angry. Angry at how much he was still in love with her. Angry that he couldn't stay angry. No matter how hard he tried.

It was a Saturday night and Castle continued his indoor life while Alexis went out to a movie with her school friends. He was lying on the couch, movie playing in the background, and staring at the remains of take out littering the table. The noise from the movie was suddenly muted as he stood up sharply.

There was someone on his floor. The elevator had dinged a few seconds ago, and Kate had yet to appear today. The few seconds of thought seemed to go on forever. Should he go to the door now or just wait?

Talk to Kate or continue to ignore her?

Both were killing him inside but there was no way to heal those wounds without talking to her. The internal struggle suddenly broke and Rick sprinted to the door and retched it open.

Kate stood in front of him holding a stuffed kitten. Her hair was a curly mess, a dark oversized hoodie rested on her shoulders and fell halfway down her thighs. The jeans on her legs were fitted to allow her knee high brown boots to slide over them.

Castle had truly surprised her. Her mouth was hanging open and she took an involuntary step back.

"Hello Kate."

There was no sound coming out of Kate's mouth. Rick could see the gears working in her mind before she spoke.

"I didn't think you would ever answer."

He gave a small shrug and looked down at the floor.

"I didn't really think I would either."

He made a sweeping motion and stood back to let her into the loft. Their eyes met and Kate gave a small smile. The leather soles of Kate's boots sounded loudly on the hardwood floors, breaking the silence that had fallen over the pair.

"So what's with the cat?"

"Oh, umm. Well I wasn't really expecting to do this in person. It's just…it's a kitten. For you, Kitten."

Rick gave a snort. Really? She started with a gift from a conversation off their first case and went from there. But a kitten? That was not something he would have thought of getting.

"I figured since you usually have to worry if I eat, you wouldn't want a real cat to worry about as well."

She set the brown stuffed animal on his kitchen counter. Its fluffy brown fur was sticking everywhere and somehow its eyes looked a little crooked. But instead of making it creepy, it made it look even cuter. Castle knew it couldn't go long without a name, but there was more important things to worry about at the moment.

"Why are you doing this Kate? Really. I know you're sorry. But I have every right to be angry with you."

"I know you do. I know you do." She ran her hand through her hair and gave a large sigh. This was as hard as their first accidental meeting. "I just miss you. A lot, Castle. You know me, I don't confess things easily. But what happened…I need to make it up to you. I don't deserve you. You waited for three years for me and I'll do the same for you. But I know that you shouldn't. You have Alexis and Martha, and hell, even yourself to look after and just come in a disrupt that. I have people looking to kill me and I know I shouldn't be here, but I can't not make it up to you. If we can't become what we were again, at least I know I tried."

"Oh Kate."

"Can I show you something?" He nodded briefly with a confused look in his eyes. The dark hoodie suddenly was pulled over her head. Kate now stood in a white flowing tank that barely covered her stomach. The muscles that were once there had vanished. He hadn't noticed that at the casino. She seemed the same, but when viewing her in something that wasn't very "Kate Beckett" it was obvious.

Suddenly, Kate was standing before him in just her bra. But the light blue fabric wasn't what caught his attention. The two scars that marked her body were. The long one down her side, still an angry red and purple, and the small circle in between her breasts somehow didn't leave his sight.

"This is why I did what I did. Why I can't stop thinking about how I put you in danger. How could I have explained what had happened to Alexis if you had been in my position? Did you ever think of that, Rick? I did this for you. For us. For whatever semblance of a friendship we might have once this is completely over." She brushed a black curl from her face before taking a step toward him.

Her face fell slightly when Rick flinched and took a small step back. But a deep breath rose her chest up and she grabbed his hand, placing in on the scar along her stomach.

He just blinked at her. The expression on his face was completely unreadable, but there was a hint of confusion deep within his eyes.

"I don't think you really noticed last time, did you?"

A single head shake was all that was needed. She dropped his hand and took a step back, looking down at the floor. A moment of silence passed between them before Kate shivered slightly. At the same moment, Rick took a step toward her as she turned to grab her shirt from the floor. He gave a small sigh as the scars disappeared under the thin fabric, then the sweater.

"I'll see myself out" she turned back to look at him and gave a small smile before saying, "I'll be at the Bluebird coffee shop every morning at nine. If you care."

And with that, she was gone.

Well, that was not how Rick wanted that to go at all.

xXxXxX

She did not even consider that Rick would show the next day. The Bluebird was right down the street from Katz's Deli and was the perfect place to relax and read. Its soothing wood and white walls were offset by wallpaper sections of small bluebirds flying in between swirled white clouds. And the coffee was amazing.

The spot Kate usually occupied was still open when she arrived at nine. The stools looking out the large windows had a view of the small playground that was placed delicately in the small green area between streets.

She ordered her regular coffee and sat in the corner. The small black book bag Kate was carrying slumped against the window once she removed the novel she was half way through reading.

Usually, the time flew by for her when she read. But today, at every turn of the page she looked at her watch. The idea of staying here all day had occurred to her, it wasn't like she had anything pressing to do. There was no gift to bring Rick today, it was better to let yesterday sink in before bombarding him again.

Two hours passed before Kate began to give up. The coffee was gone, the small ring from her cup faded into the wood. She had read over one hundred and fifty pages and was beginning to get tired. A small sigh sounded from her parted lips as the cup was thrown away. She held the book in her arms, loving the touch of the pages in her fingers.

She stepped outside, bell on the door jingling merrily at her exit. The cool air bit at her face and she pulled her berry colored scarf closer. She turned left out of the shop and started to walk down the street and was almost to Katz's before she bumped shoulders with someone. Without looking up, she muttered an apology and continued to walk. A second later a hand was resting on her shoulder and she quickly turned, hand automatically searching for her gun where it had been for so long. The grin from the man behind her stopped her search quickly.

Castle had come. Castle had come and she almost walked right by him.

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><p>How do you like the way it's going so far? Reviews make me happy!<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Uploading this was a buttmunch.

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><p>"You came?"<p>

He gave a snort. "Well hello Captain obvious."

"I just didn't think you would show today, that's all."

Was he forgiving her? It just seemed too easy for what she had done. This thought put her brain on high alert. There had to be a catch. There was no chance this was happening or would be that easy.

Castle quirked an eyebrow at the book in her hands. It wasn't just a novel, Kate had been plowing through "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich".

"That seems like a hefty book there, Beckett. Doing some reading in your spare time?"

She did not look him in the eye, instead she only placed the book into her bag and stared at the children sprinting through the playground. Rick's eyes were boring into the side of her face and his mind was going into overdrive.

He couldn't explain to anyone why he came. The second Kate left the night before he promised himself he would not go. Yet, once the clock hit nine the next morning, there was no way he could stay inside. Castle was getting pulled back into the world, whether he was ready or not.

"Well, I'm guessing I missed the coffee part of today, huh?" When she still didn't look at him, Castle acted on impulse. He snaked his hand between her right arm and her body pulling her down the street. The action was rewarded with a small confused squeak from Kate, and he could feel the confusion radiating off of her body.

He had no idea what he was doing. There was no plan in his mind, no thinking about what he was doing, or where they were going. And somehow that made the decision to come this morning better. This was completely full of spontaneity, only the way Castle could create.

The world was a blank page, and today, Castle finally found the colors that he wanted to paint it with.

"If you don't mind me asking, where are we going?" Kate was stumbling along after him, feet desperate to keep up with his long strides.

"Would you hate me if I told you I have almost no idea?"

"Almost? Castle, not that I don't appreciate you coming today, but what if I had plans after this?" He looked at her and gave a snort.

"Oh shut up Castle."

"Hey now! Be nice to your kidnapper!" This comment was rewarded with a slap to the arm and an eye roll. "When was the last time you visited a museum?"

This took Kate a moment to remember. For the last year, museums had not been on her mind, even on her days off. This was unusual behavior for her, but she had not even noticed their absence.

"By the confused look on your face right now, I'm going with 'a long time'."

Kate barely noticed where they were until they began to stumble down stairs to the subway. Her noise of annoyance went unnoticed by Castle as he paid the fees for both of them and they stood waiting for the machine to carry their bodies uptown.

The station was packed when Rick and Kate arrived, so as they fought for space on the car they became aware of their positions. Kate stood flushed against him, holding onto the bar near the dead center of the subway car and could feel his breath wafting across her hair and down her neck. Without her heels, his chin was closer to the top of her head then she was used to.

Castle felt Kate tense up when she realized how they had to stand. "You don't need to be nervous, Kate. I'm not going to go anywhere."

At that Kate looked over her shoulder in surprise. Her eyes were wide and her lips parted in a way Rick found adorable. Shit, he really found her adorable.

The way she curled her hair was adorable. The way her eyebrows moved was adorable. Her clothes were adorable. Her heels were a pain, but adorable. Every single thing about her was infuriating. But every single thing about her was perfect.

How had it come to this? When did he stop hating her? Had he ever really hated her?

He couldn't remember.

All he could see right now is what was in front of him. She was alive and breathing and standing against him with that look on her face. I think they were both in shock from what he had uttered.

It was a moment of brutal honesty. His mouth worked faster than his mind sometimes, and most of the major fights in his life had come from that. But this did not seem like fight material to him. Maybe it would be okay.

"Sorry. Our stop is the next one just get ready to move."

Maybe if he ignored it for the moment, it would be okay. That's it. Because ignoring how he felt worked out so well before.

Suddenly, Kate was dragging him forward into the surge of other people exiting the subway. Her hand was linked into his, fingers intertwined, and Rick kept staring at them instead of watching where he was going. It only took one trip on their way up the stairs before Kate turned to glare at him.

And they were back.

Once they reached the cool air, Kate looked at him expectantly. There were two choices he could make. One that involved dinosaurs and one that involved staying quite and staring at things.

"How are your views on dinosaurs?" The look on her face was enough to split his own in a wide grin.

The Museum of Natural History was only a few blocks away from where they were standing and they walked them, hand in hand, fighting the growing wind that was ripping through the city. Kate's green coat stood out sharply against Rick's dark grey one, her still black hair blowing across the fabric.

The museum lobby was filled with children running around in small groups, being led by haggard looking student teachers. Kate stood in the middle of the lobby, staring up at the giant bones of the dinosaurs while Castle stood in line for tickets.

She had forgotten how much fun a museum could be with someone. Even when she went before, it was fun, but there was a feeling you could not achieve unless you were with someone who could view your surroundings like a child for the first time. Castle was amazing at that.

Kate was zoning out staring up at the bones and did not see Castle begin to walk over to her. An idea sprung into his head once he realized that she could not see him. Creeping as silently up to her as possible, he tapped her on her right shoulder while standing on her left. The confusion on her face as she completely turned around made Castle give a short laugh before he brought her lips to meet his. He gave her another mile wide smile before dragging her toward the giant whale model a few rooms down.

It took Kate a moment to come to her senses after his kiss. Did he just casually kiss her in the middle of the museum? This was what she wanted for the past months, but now that it was happening it seemed strange to her. Like they were almost to something great and perfect, but it was off. They needed to do something Kate was still terrible at, even since her shooting. They needed to talk. Really talk. Not any more of this 'I love you but you hate me so we can just be friends' shit. They needed boundaries, rules, and to understand exactly what each of them wanted and is willing to give.

The start all or end all talk.

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><p>So what do you think? :)<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Hello again! This is my last update before I "cross the pond" to live in Oxford for 2 1/2 months! I'll actually have more time to write (when I'm not traveling) so hopefully I'll get quite a few hefty chapters out for you guys! Enjoy!

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><p>The look on Castle's face when they saw the animals was something Kate would never forget. His eyes were wide, his smile wider, and his hand squeezed hers. The model was huge and looked like it could fall with the smallest shake of the building. Children ran and screamed around them, brushing their legs and blocking the glass cases filled with stuffed bodies. But the pair was at peace.<p>

They did not stay long in the main room, there were dinosaurs a few floors up to be seen and Castle was nervous with excitement. Something about seeing the bones of great beasts made his heart beat fast and a small form permanently on his face. Kate leaned against one of the cool metal railings and watched with amusement as he walked through the exhibit looking like the small children around him.

"Kate?"

She drew her eyes up from the little girl she was watching by the stegosaurus skeleton. Castle was leaning against the railing with her, head cocked to one side.

"Mmmm?"

"You doing okay?"

She gave a small smile. "Yeah. I really am Castle. Best I've been in a while actually. Thanks."

He brushed his fingers along her cheekbone, pulling her hair behind her ears. His hand found hers and he leaned to rest his head on the shoulder of the woman who had stolen his heart. Kate's eyes found the girl again who had made her way to tiny skeletons of baby reptiles on the other wall. A small sigh escaped her lips and Kate rested her head on his.

"For being so okay, you sure are sighing a lot."

She gave a small laugh and could feel Castle's lips curl against her neck. "Do you ever want more?"

This was out of the most out of nowhere questions Kate had ever asked him. "I guess. It would just have to be different then Alexis. That wasn't fair to her, but I she turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. I'm getting old though. I'm not at grandfather age, but as the days pass the harder it would be. I just don't know Kate. There's so much to factor in before I would even consider it." He paused for a moment before continuing. "For being a man of words, I sure feel like I'm rambling now." He blew air out of his nose and pressed a kiss to her neck before pulling her off the bar.

They walked back through the museum to the entrance. It was quieter in the room than it was earlier and the path to the doors was much less child ridden. The light outside was brighter than it had been when they walked in and the wind had died down. Castle paused on the top step and turned to face Kate, who was a step below him. She looked questioningly up at him before he placed a kiss on her lips.

"I think we need to talk, don't we?" Kate nodded without looking at him, dreading the conversation to come.

Kate crossed the street with Castle, only she was a foot in front of him. He kept his distance from her and patiently followed as she followed a path into Central Park. The silence was overwhelming for the few minutes it took for Kate to find an acceptable bench. They stopped in front of the Shakespeare theatre, the statues of Romeo and Juliet to their right. The bench was hard and cold beneath their bodies and Castle unconsciously shifted towards Kate.

"I don't really know where to start." Her voice was small and very un-Beckett.

"I know how hard you are trying here Kate. God do I appreciate it, but there's just some serious ground rules that need to be laid out before we continue this."

She nodded, her black hair falling down in front of her face.

"I was so lost Kate. So lost. I was so angry at everything. No one or anything could make me feel better. Then my daughter got fed up and forced me out of my cave and she helped me find you again. I know I was cold when I found you. I should have stayed. I regret it now, so very much. I regret not being there when you woke up. I regret not falling asleep in your arms. I regret not taking it slow. I wish I could redo that night. I want to make it up to you for the rest of our lives. You're all I want Kate. I want to treat you right but I can't. The way things are right now aren't good and I know you are thinking the same thing."

"I can't have the relationship you want right now. I know. Everything is fucked up and it's my fault. We've been through this before, no need to rehash it." Her voice was filled with sadness.

"Kate, yeah this is partially your fault. But you know whose fault it really is? Your shooters. That's who I blame more than you. It's just…horrible that we can't tell anyone about this. I can't risk losing you again because someone let it leak that you didn't die. There's been no news from the FBI and I don't know how long we have to hide this. Hell, I worry about us even getting seen here!

You didn't see me without you. I can't be that person again. You make me whole, Kate. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, your persistence with me was what I needed. I love you Kate. I really, really do. And that's all I really need."

Kate was silent on her side of the bench, face still hidden. There was a moment of silence before a ragged breath could be heard by Castle. Kate was crying and it was his fault. Again. He leaned over and pulled her hair back. The wet spots on her cheeks were black with mascara and the red around her eyes pulled out the green in her eyes. His arms were suddenly around her and Kate was pulled into Castle's lap.

"I'm so sorry Kate. So, so sorry."

"You have no reason to be sorry Rick. This is all on me and my damn life. And I dragged you into a fight that was not yours. I've put you and all of my friends in danger and for what? I'm selfish and stupid. And I am so fucking sorry. I don't deserve you Castle. I know I fought for you but I don't deserve you at all. In any lifetime."

"Kate, excuse me but that is just bullshit. I put myself in danger by going to the precinct every day. Your friends are all cops, they know the danger. You out of all of us deserve happiness. Jeez Kate I can't even believe you would even think that. You know what I think?

I think we saved each other."

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><p>Okay, quick question. Would you rather have fewer chapters that are longer or keep them between 1,000-1,500 words?<p> 


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